It was always in our plan to have children. We thought we would wait about a year to try and have kids. And then in April of 2013, I got this text message!!
And we followed that plan almost perfectly! I took a random pregnancy test in July of 2013. I didn’t even take a second look, I just threw it away. Later that evening when throwing things away, I saw a positive test! Caleb and I were elated! We immediately told our families! I felt well most of the time with small bouts of nausea just in the mornings when brushing my teeth.
I scheduled our 10 week appointment and were on our way. The day of our appointment came and my doctor tried to find a heartbeat. She could not find one, which did not immediately freak us out. We were able to get into an ultrasound that day with Megan. Many of you know Megan and she is absolutely wonderful. As Megan began to scan me, it was pretty clear.
There was no heartbeat.
There was no movement.
I immediately began to shake. My shaking comes with being nervous, scared, and during confrontations. The doctor explained that my baby stopped growing. Tears welled in mine and Caleb’s eyes. That may have been the hardest moment for me. We walked to the car and I looked at him and completely fell apart.
They wanted to scan me again in a week to see if there was any growth, so the week of waiting began… At the time I was teaching my 1st year of kindergarten and I truly believe those little ones helped get me through. Even if they had no idea what was happening.
Our second scan showed no growth… so we were left with a choice. To let this pregnancy take its course or schedule a D&C. I felt for me that I needed the D&C. I needed this to be done. And I know that seems so harsh… But I still had a job to do. I was still responsible for 20 little ones at school. I needed to move on from this moment. We scheduled the D&C for the next week, but my body decided to do something different.
That evening I began to lose a lot of blood. So much so, that they wanted me to come to the emergency room right away. They thought that my body was naturally doing what it was suppose to do. Well, we were wrong again. I was scanned again early the next morning and the baby had barely moved at all. We decided that we would go ahead and do the D&C that day. It was quick and painless…and I felt so empty.
The months after our first loss were the absolute darkest time in my life. I will 
never be able to describe that deep pain and utter sadness that consumed me. I was depressed and I’m sure not the easiest person to be around. I felt helpless and alone. I never knew what would make me emotional and fall apart. Christmas was extremely hard for us… Caleb was the sweetest and bought me a necklace that I had wanted when we were pregnant. A promise and hope of things to come for us…
In April of 2014, I was pregnant again! But miscarried shortly after finding out. Then in July of 2014, I was pregnant.
I was pregnant. And we weren’t excited.
I was scared. We had become so accustomed to loss that my first thought was not one of joy, but one of dread and fear. I made my appointment and I would be 
going in at 6 weeks instead of 10 so that they could monitor me. I was so sick this time around. I could barely get out of bed without feeling dizzy. They scheduled my first scan not at my OB office, but just using a regular ultrasound tech. And it was horrible. This lady had no idea of my history of loss. She made comments to me that were not only rude, but left me puzzled and questioning what was wrong with me. But our worst fears were confirmed yet again. This pregnancy was not viable.
And more importantly, I am a wife first. More than anything , I love my husband. And being his wife is the greatest title I will ever hold. He is my complete world. Through it all, my husband has been amazing. He has supported me and been there with me at my worst and to see me conquer my fears. Caleb is truly my soul mate and I never take for granted the time we have together for it is precious and never promised.
Our Home Sweet Home 