Catching up.

So I realized I hadn’t blogged in awhile. It’s been so hard to come up with the words to say to talk about our journey. 

I created this blog because I never thought I would be a mom. Period. It was in my mind that this was the way my life was going to be. 

And then I got pregnant and that little one stuck around. And I felt a little like a fraud. Here I was blogging and sharing my soul about our hardships and yet, I was becoming a mother. My only prayer was that someone who was also struggling gains hope from this. And knows to have faith. 

So I’m going to continue this. With the wave emotions through that pregnancy. And I’ve decided I might try some live feeds/videos as well. To share with you exactly how I felt everyday. 

If you are struggling, please message, call, or text me. I will be a listening ear for you. 💙

Announcing our little boy or girl 💙💜

Throughout my whole pregnancy, I struggled. I was in disbelief that I was pregnant. It did not seem real to me at all. I always felt like I was waiting for the ball to drop. For my life to fall apart. For me to fall apart…but it never came. 

We had a few appointments before we found out the gender of our little gummy bear. As each day passed, we discussed when we would tell people. To make it “Facebook Offical”. I was afraid that as soon as we did, our hearts would be broken again. Caleb kept telling me that eventually we would have to tell people. This was such a blessing in our lives, and I was keeping it to myself as if I was ashamed. When it was the opposite. I wanted everyone to know, but wanted to live in this beautiful, perfect bubble as long as we could. 

So we celebrated Christmas and decided we would share our news on our favorite holiday. A holiday we yearned to share with a child. ❤️

Caleb and I purchased gifts for our little one! He got Baby C and I an activity cube! I had been wanting it forever! But never had a reason to purchase it! And I purchased Caleb a onesie that said “Daddy’s Future Doubles Partner”. This blessing was already our complete world. 

On January 30,2016, we went to Baby Bliss to find out what our little one would be. We had friends and family join us! I remember still not feeling the greatest on this day. I had morning sickness where I would get sick once, and then felt nauseous in the afternoon. Nothing too hard to handle! I was very lucky! 

We headed back and Megan found out what we were having fairly quick! ​

(Don’t mind my crazy talk 🙄. We were so excited!)

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We were having a girl!! 💜

We were thrilled and already had our name chosen for our little one! We didn’t share her name for a very long time, but it was perfect for our sweet girl. 

7 Weeks

After that appointment, it was like a dream. We were really pregnant! Our little one was there inside me. It’s heart beating away! 
But, it still didn’t feel real to me. 

I was 7 weeks pregnant and knew there was still a big risk. Especially with my history. So again I prayed. 

I know it sounds cliche, but guys, I didn’t know what else to do. I was terrified. Every morning on my way to work I would listen to K-Love and then pray. I would ask the Lord that his will be done no matter what that was. That no matter how much heartache, He was still good. I would pray that he would keep our little baby’s heart beating and would keep that baby growing. That he would comfort me, keep me calm, and keep me healthy. 

And then one morning later that week, I woke up and I was bleeding. 
Tears. Praying. More tears.
We called up to the OBGYN and wanted to know if it was possible to get in to an ultrasound as soon as possible. Same day appointments don’t happen but I was just hoping for something close. But God was with me… They had an appointment that day with Sara. They had just had a cancelation before I called. They even made mention that this never happens. And the appointment time was on my lunch break. I didn’t have to take time off or miss teaching for the day. 

So Caleb met me and we went to the ultrasound. And once again, our God was faithful. 
The baby looked perfect. Just like a little Gummy Bear. There was nothing to be worried about. He or she was growing perfectly. 
They said there was no need to worry and that we would see us very soon for our 10week appointment. 
I felt as close as ever to the Lord. He was with me even in my darkest hour. I think He was showing me that even when possible negative things come up or my worry overwhelms , He is faithful. Showing me again that I needed to trust Him. 

Our 1st Appointment

In the time leading up to our first ultrasound appointment, I was a complete mess. Looking back now I realize I analyzed everything going on around me and every little change with my body. I listened to the song “Greater is He” on repeat. It became so true. That even in the face of loss and tragedy, He is Good. He will bring me through. He will guide me. I am never alone. No matter the outcome, God is still good. 

We reached out to Caleb’s family every few days asking for prayer. Because I couldn’t handle going through another loss alone. They were all wonderful prayer warriors and I am so grateful and thankful for their blessings and prayers over us during that time. 

After what felt like an eternity, we went to our early ultrasound on November 13th of 2015. 

I can honestly say I have never prayed so hard. I get so overwhelmed with emotion thinking about that day. I remember walking in already tearing up. So afraid of what was to come and hopeful knowing that God was so faithful to bring us this far. 

We sat in a corner and I wept. It was too much for me to be here again for the 4th time. So I grabbed Caleb’s hands and I prayed. It was the only thing I could do because I knew God was in control and He would be the one to calm me and see me through no matter what. 

Sara called us back and we explained a little of our history to her, which she already knew. I of course am shaking as I sit on the table. At first, I think I even said “oh no”. But then something I had never seen before happened. Our little one’s beating heart popped up. And I was never so thankful. 

123 beats per minute with an estimated due date of July 7th, 2016. 
Psalm 34

1:I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises.

2:I will boast only in the Lord;let all who are helpless take heart.

3:Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;let us exalt his name together.

4:I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.He freed me from all my fears.

5:Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

6:In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;he saved me from all my troubles.

Family

After our disappointment in September… we carried on and did the things we love most!

With Fall being our favorite time of year we enjoyed it as much as we could!

We went to Covered Bridge with out families!

We had family pictures with Caleb’s family. 

But before we took our pictures on October 24th 2015. Caleb’s dad, Mike, shared something with the family. He said the Lord spoke to him and he wanted and needed to share this with us. And so he read Isaiah 54:1-3. 

It reads , “Woman, be happy, you who have had no children. Cry for joy, you who have never had the pains of having a child, for you will have many children. Yes, you will have more children than the one who has a husband,” says the Lord. 2 “Make your tent bigger. Spread out the curtains of your home, and do not hold back. Make your ropes longer and your tie-downs stronger. 3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left. Your children will own nations, and they will fill the destroyed cities with people.” The Message

And as he read the words of the Bible, a silence came over the room. A feeling of peace settled. And even as he finished sharing, tears filled my eyes and of the others around me. I’m truly certain there wasn’t a dry eye in Courtney’s house that day. Mike read of a promise the Lord made to us and I believe specifically to Caleb and I. Our waiting was over and we needed to prepare. We needed to prepare to be blessed.

Little did we know, we were already pregnant. 

(I asked Mike about this verse just a few weeks ago. Because I wanted to share it with you all. He said when the Lord gave him this scripture, he didn’t even think of us. He just knew he needed to share it. As he read it to us, he knew exactly why the Lord gave him this need to share with us. He knew the Lord has us in mind.) 

I believe whole heartedly that the Lord has the most perfect timing. And it is so hard to be in the moment and see the bigger picture. It’s hard to realize that this is not about us and what we want, but what the Lord has planned for us along this journey. The journey the Lord leads us on, is just as important as the destination.  I could not see it before but a year later, I can see it now. He shows us and teaches us it is not in our time but his. It is not in our wants but his plan and purpose for us. And I am so thankful and grateful for his plans in our lives. 

So on October October 27th just three days after our family pictures and Mike’s scripture reading, I took a pregnancy test.  

 Anyone who really knows me, knows that I am a complete pessimist. And in this case, I was no different. I hate to say it but after every loss, it was hard to be positive about the outcome of this test. The fear outweighs the joy. And even though I was completely thrilled to get a positive test,  I was terrified of what might happen. 

Because I also test like 100 times once I’m pregnant. I went the next day and bought more expensive tests. I got home from school and tested right away. Here were those results.  

 I was so excited, so I called the doctor for a blood test and to set up an early ultrasound. Of course I always find out I’m pregnant on a Friday! So the wait is always a little longer. Our 1st round of blood results would be back on October 30th. So I tested everyday in between!  

 

So on October 30th I got my HCG numbers back from my blood test. They were 389! I went back a day or two later and those results came on November 3rd. They were at 1720! The numbers were looking good! We were thrilled, but had been here before. We were scared, elated, and hopeful. 
The only thing we could do as we waited to get an ultrasound was pray. 

And we did. We prayed continually. 

  

So… This is happening.

Even though I am not going to post this right away, I want to make sure I am writing everything down.

September 19, 2015

It has been a super busy day! I had a baby shower to celebrate my best friend and then a wedding.

All day I had been off… And to be perfectly honest, certain areas of my body seemed pretty sore and it was starting to feel like that time of the month. So I prepared myself and packed my purse ready for the night. I still felt off and so on our way home we stopped and picked up a pregnancy test. I took the test as soon as I got home. Brought it back with me to the couch and got on my phone to check Facebook! Of course! I looked at it a minute later and it looked negative. A few more minutes later… And I got THIS. 
IM PREGNANT. WOAH. Can’t help but to smile and hope that this little one sticks. That this moment will make us parents to a beautiful baby here, instead of in heaven. I’m shaking right now, I can barely write. Because again, so many times we have been let down. So even though,  I am hopeful. I am guarded. Caleb is as well. I will take another test in the morning to see if the line is a little darker! And I will call the doctor for a blood test!

We have not been pregnant since July of 2014. Over a year. I was beginning to think it wasn’t going to happen…. I guess I was wrong.

Thank you Lord for this tiny bit of hope. Thank you for this blessing. Please protect this little one growing. Keep him/her safe within me. Keep them growing. Keep them thriving. Knowing from this moment, they are loved. They are wanted. They were here. Lord please keep me safe and in good health. Keep me within the palm of your hand. Please stay with me and watch over me. Lord God, I trust you and put this in your hands. This is about you and the journey you have laid out for us. Lord please let us follow the path you have laid before us. Amen.

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And just like that… It is over.

My blood test came back elevated but only at 13.5. Basically inconclusive.

I’m not pregnant or at least not anymore. I can actually say…I’m not surprised.

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** I wrote this almost a year ago. The excitement and possibility was overwhelming and then the next day it was shattered again.**

Our New Doctor!

I’m BACK! Finally! There are tons of things to update you on… but I will start where we left off! Meeting our new doctor!

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I will make this part of my story short and sweet….

I met a wonderful new doctor at Midwest Fertility in Carmel in early 2015. We took a short break after moving doctors. He was amazing. Before we did anything medically.. he met with me one-on-one. He discussed what I wanted out of this. What would happen if we did not get pregnant. He asked about our families and the support system we had. We met for over an hour just talking!

What doctor do you know right now that meets with you to discuss options, plans, and genuinely wants to know about YOU? I had not met one until him!

We put a plan of action into place. We would try for another IUI again… I will not go into great detail about this. I have in my past posts. But we did it… and it was more expensive this round than any other we had done! (I look back now and I wonder how we were able to afford these things. These procedures and medications…)

The IUI took place over the summer and we did not get pregnant.

We were devastated again that we were not pregnant but we were done. We were not going to do these things again… not only did it take a toll on us, but it did our relationships with friends, family, and sometimes each other. After this round, Caleb and I talked again and basically we were at peace with it. We were happy again with it being just us. (I honestly wonder sometimes if this was a lie we told each other and other people. Because our want for a child was so strong.)

My Best Friend

My best friend has been the same person since 2nd grade. Our friendship has changed over the years, but it has never waivered.

She has been with my through everything in my life. I mean EVERYTHING.

   

    

  

There are no adequate words to describe our relationship. I feel its more special because we kind of have an understanding of how our relationship works, yet I can’t explain it. You know how people always say that they have that one friend that no matter how much time passes without talking or seeing each other, they pick right back up where they left off? That’s us perfectly, except we talk every week at least once. Maybe in person or maybe through a text. But no matter what, she is always there for me. With just one phone call away.

 I never have had to wonder who would be there for me when my whole world falls apart again and again. Because it has always been her.

 That is why, when she got pregnant, I knew it would be hard for her to tell me. And I hate that I did that to her… But she told me in the cutest way ever! I knew there was something up because she asked if her and Brock could come over! Of course, I said yes! (I also turned to Caleb and said, “I bet they are pregnant!”)

When they got to our house we were talking and I had to go back to the bedroom and she followed me and handed me a small item. I opened it and it said this….

 I was thrilled and hugged her immediately. I had never been so happy for her, until today. I am pleased to say that I have a new little best friend.

Claire Adison was born November 6th, 2015 at 1:05pm.  

 

She is 7 pounds, 14 ounces and 21 inches long.

She has a gorgeous, beautiful head of hair.

And I love kissing her cheeks already. 

To Brock and Kelsey, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. The moment I laid eyes on Claire I was immediately emotional. She is absolutely wonderful and I cannot wait to watch her grow! I love you all.  

 

I Had a Dream Last Night

Do you ever have a dream and it seems so real to you that it creeps into your day? That the happiness you felt overflows into reality?

That happened to me today.

Last night I had a dream we had a sweet baby boy… My heart was so completely full of love and I was overjoyed.  Those feelings spilled over into my life today and it gave me hope for the future! It made me feel like we could truly have a baby someday. I hope that feeling sticks, because most of the time, it doesn’t.

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After making our first appointment with our specialist I was thrilled to get started! I don’t remember much about our first appointment, but looking back I remember getting a clear game plan and was thrilled to have answers that day! We also planned an HSG. And here is where I sound super smart and intelligent when I explain what an HSG is! (Totally from the Internet) 😉

A hysterosalpingogram, or HSG test is a radiology procedure. Radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix.This shows whether the fallopian tubes are open or blocked.

So I scheduled my HSG and my sister and I headed to Indy. They said it may be uncomfortable for a small amount of time during the procedure. Well to be honest, the pain I felt was extremely intense. However the pain lasted only for about 30 seconds and I felt silly about how much pain I was in for such a short amount of time. During the procedure they could tell immediately nothing was blocked! A small victory for us.

After the procedure, Hannah and I went shopping. Oh, was it a bad idea. I was so uncomfortable even walking and driving.

Seeing that my tubes were not blocked I was prescribed some medication for the that month to help us get pregnant! I was thrilled. We were started on Clomid.

 The first month I did not have any major side effects from them except for some moodiness.(My husband says 😉) That first month we had 2 great follicles measuring 22 & 24. They like to see them between 18 & 24. However, we did not get pregnant that month. So we went on to month two of that course of treatment! That 2nd month I also took an injectable called Ovidrel. And oh my, did I freak out when I bought it.

I needed the medicine the moment it was prescribed to me. I was in Lafayette, so I went to Target. When I went to check out at the pharmacy, they told me it was $316.

Ummm, what?

I had no choice but to buy it because I needed to inject it within an hour! I immediately call Caleb and I am in tears. We could not afford this every month… This did not include the 2 ultrasounds, doctor visits, and other meds I had to take for just that month!

So I called the  wonderful Leslie at Davis Drugs and she saved me. I will never take my business anywhere but there. She said I could get the meds I needed there for under half the price I paid at Target. God was teaching me to be faithful and know that He was in control of each little thing. I called Target and without hesitation, they said they would price match so I could get my money back.

I inject Ovidrel into my stomach in order to make my body release an egg to be fertilized. The shot part, did not bother me. It was the just the thought of injecting it myself. Which thankfully, I never had to do!!!

And in the end, even with some amazing growing follicles, we did not get pregnant.  

  So we spoke with our doctor again about taking the next step and doing something more. We suggest doing a few rounds of IUI. IUI stands for Intrauterine Insemination and it is a type of artificial insemination. The hoped-for outcome of intrauterine insemination is for the sperm to swim into the fallopian tube and fertilize a waiting egg, resulting in a normal pregnancy. This procedure requires a minimum of 2 ultrasounds to monitor the follicle growth.  

 Why this part of our journey did not shock me, the unknown of what was happening or what was to come completely threw me for a loop. The medication they put me on began to take a toll. 

I sometimes felt crazy and not in control of how I felt. I was irrational with Caleb and my family. I was not kind. I know it was not easy to be around me… But they have all loved me through it. Not only was I sometimes unbearable to be around, but the headaches I experienced were the worst of my life. Migraines that started to effect my teaching because of the loud noises and the bright lights. I continue to pay for those side effects.

 Even after 6+ ultrasounds, 2 IUI’s, 1 cancelled IUI, we still were not pregnant.  

 So again we made a change and found a WONDERFUL new doctor! 

While Reading Tonight…

As I lay here in bed reading, a quote jumps out at me. 

“The soul is healed by being with children.”- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

How true is this for me… I am blessed beyond measure to have 10 beautiful nieces and nephews. When my heart is hurting and is sad, they fill me back up with love. When I feel so alone and when the sadness is overtaking me, they are the ones that make me smile again. Their sweetness and innocence makes a few moments simple to me. I am so blessed to have been around since many of them have been born. 

To Court & Trav, Joel & Nat, Krae & Danny, and Derek & Courtney,

Thank you for making me an aunt and giving me these beautiful little people to love and watch grow up. Thank you for letting them heal my soul. 

💙